the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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