I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
