ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
