it was like his penis was on wheels.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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