Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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