I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
