I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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