All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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