I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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