i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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