I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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