Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
