my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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