I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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