Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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