I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
