Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
