I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
