I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
