So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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