I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
