I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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