It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How external is "for external use only"?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
