U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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