So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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