You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
