Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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