Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
