so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
