an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
