Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
