Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
