I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He passed out mid-signature
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
