So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
