they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
