Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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