I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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