my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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