There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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