we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
