I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
