happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
