one word: firstdatebathroomanal
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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