Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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