I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
