I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
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It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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