Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
