I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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