i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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