The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
