Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have post one night stand depression
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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