i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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