Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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