i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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