Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
