I feel like abortions should bother me more
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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