sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
