he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
