I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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