Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
