Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
